Let's Critique Dudes' Asses, For A Freaking Change

   

Granted, I played my part in the whole "Is Carly Pregnant?" rumor mill. Mea culpa.

But in retrospect, I find it irritating in the extreme that the internets got overheated gossiping about  Carly's weight, and no one has said one word about doughy David Cook's bowl of oatmeal appearance.

Look at her! She is adorable. Look at him! Really, look at that picture.

Those sloppy, fat chins! All the shiny spots and weird wrinkles! His totally receding hairline!

Can you imagine the American Idol powers-that-be letting a female contestant post an unretouched photo like this on the official site? Can you imagine the female contestant who would let them? Get real.

It sucks to live in a world where we openly dissect the appearance of female public figures. It is ludicrous that it is perfectly acceptable -- that it was actually required by the ravenous horde (yes, I mean all of us) --  for Carly to announce on AI tonight that a) she isn't pregnant and b) she was distracted by her Spanx last night.

And it sucks because the subtext of that announcement was, "Sorry, world, for being bigger than you like, but I'm working on it."

I know we can't go back to an earlier, private time. Since it's too late for respect, all I ask that we be fair and apply the scrutiny evenhandedly. Everyone should be held to the same, unrealistic standards.

Here. I'll start:

• Get David Cook an emo bang weave, please, and his very own elliptical machine  
• Put some a lot of shoulder pads in EVERYTHING that Michael Johns wears, yes, including t-shirts, to balance out his big ass
• I'm actually okay with those Jason Castro dreads, but he needs to stop getting stoned with the sound guys before the show
• Someone groom David Archuleta's eyebrows, for the love of awkward adolescent facial hair, and stop overstyling his spiky, little bangs
• Oh, Chikezie. You get a pass because they sent you home this week. You're welcome.

Please, feel free to add your own in the comments.

In closing, Carly, I'd like to say again that you are adorable, which shouldn't matter but it does. Also, girlfriend, pull out the cleavage! Flaunt your (in truth very moderate) curves! Throw away the Spanx if those uncomfortable mofos are making it hard for you to rock out.

Also, you can now count on me to vote for you, faithfully, every week. Because you're talented.