Video: Top Gun, A Manly Love Story
It's that time of year again in San Francisco. Warm, sunny days. Gorgeous, azure-blue, cloud-free skies. And the ear-splitting blast of killer planes buzzing office buildings and city homes.
Cripes! We're at war. Gas prices are at an all time high. Every time Iceman and Goose fly by, I imagine them punching yet another hole in the atmosphere, melting the ice caps and killing a polar bear. Is this annual martial display really necessary?
Each year I complain about the waste and environmental toll, and each year Chief strongly disagrees with me, reminding me that it's a) "fucking cool" and b) the biggest recruiting tool in the armed forces' arsenal.
As a marketing professional, I question the efficacy of the acquisition tactic. Does making pets cower and babies on the street cry, while you burn liquid gold and further pollute our skies, the magic ticket to make guys (and gals) want to serve our country?
Don't answer. Let's assume, for the sake of my pinko-greeno-liberal sanity that, "No, it doesn't work."
In that case, I have a recommendation for an alternative approach: a cost-effective, targeted, direct mail campaign!
If the government really wants to lure young things into service, they should mail a DVD (cheaply mass-produced in China) of Top Gun to every graduating High School senior in the country.
Why? Here, let me tell you:
- It makes flying jets seem sexy
- It gets your product in front of a demographic dumb enough to buy what you're selling
- The killer soundtrack that's outstanding for drunk sing alongs
- You can't find a better showcase of the athleticism and allure of men's beach volleyball
- It neatly glosses over the part about dropping bombs and killing foreigners
- You'll attract the gays along with the straights, which is important because everyone knows that the Navy is totally the gay branch of the service*.
*Again, Chief disagrees, swearing that the Marines are the
gayest. And yes, this is what we talk about over frozen dinners while I
make him watch Dancing With The Stars, even after Edyta is voted off.
Anyway, in this case it doesn't matter because the Blue Angels are a
combination of both branches and thus totally gay by default.
I'm sure the The U.S. Armed Forces Top Gun Direct Mail Project will be a huge success, and I'm willing to waive my usual (totally deserved) high consultation fee because I'm proud to be an American. Also, I'll do anything if it will make those assholes stop flying over my house every year.
God bless America, indeed.