It's worth reading the whole article yourself for the deftly deadpan tone, but here are the highlights:
- A body was found in an elevator shaft
That's never an accident.
- He was taking Arabic classes in the building.
See? It's a spy thing.
- His body was undiscovered for so long because of the holiday weekend so no one noticed "the smell"
The timing was carefully planned.
- The rummies in the House of Shields (in the same building) are "abuzz".
Look: Local color!
- The only guy they could find who "knew" the victim was a corner store guy.
A man can't have "friends" when he's working undercover.
- Corner store guy (who didn't want his name used) said, "He was quiet."
No name because he's undercover, too, and knows whoever killed the first guy is looking for him now!
Now, if only we could get Mike Stone on the job, this thing could be solved in under an hour, Buddy Boy!