Sometimes I think I'm so funny. And then I'm wrong.
Like when I snapped this photo of a "pirate" waiting for the flight back to San Francisco from Detroit, and tweeted it out with the tag #themagicalcityofsf.
At the time, it sure as hell was funny to me. Here, let's count the ways, starting at the top:
- highly engineered white dude dreads/scruffy beard
- not one, but TWO amateur steampunk-metal-feather-hoop earrings (really, wouldn't one have been plenty? I have to think that Captain Jack Sparrow would have shown restraint, and thereby achieved greater impact -- but that's how you know you're dealing with a professional, innit?) from Etsy
- dashing red sash from Etsy
- corset murse (translation for the uninitiated: man-purse) from Etsy
- a pair of "crafted by elves" gators from Etsy
The only thing missing was a treasure map, with X marking the spot of that stupid McSweeney's pirate supply store in the Mission. And he probably had one safely tucked into his Esty murse.
Ha ha ha! So much airport entertainment! People-watching and tweeting! All in good fun!
Until I walked by him and got a whiff of the most vile body odor, ever. And I've been to Germany! Believe me when I say he had never, ever, ever bathed, washed his clothes, or "defiled" his body with deodorant. Because, you know, PIRATE.
And then saw his seat assignment.
Yep. Right next to me.
I braced myself for the five hour flight, with a scarf to wrap around my nose, and scented hand lotion which I huffed at regular intervals.
If smells had colors (and you kinda could see fumes radiating off this dude) then his aura would have been acid green with streaks of dried blood red. He smelled like the floor of a charnel house that had been washed down with urine.
Old urine. From angry goats.
With time on the runway waiting for the de-icer, and then 30 minutes in the de-icer, the whole olfactory ordeal took about six hours. Recovery involved a gallon of Febreeze for my coat and prophylactic squirts of Nasonex.
Learn from my tragic experience, and don't mock Pirate Elves in airports! They travel with Protective Stank Ass, and do not hesitate to unleash it on the entire coach section. You've been warned!