wishbone clover

New Starbucks Ad Campaign is Full of Shit

Love 'em or hate 'em, I have to admit Starbucks is an amazing brand. They invented the "experiential marketing" model, and their success story is mandatory study for MBA students. But their new ad campaign, called "Value & Values," is a huge misstep. I call shenanigans.

To kick off the campaign, and in a lame attempt to get some free buzz from "social media," they released this painfully uncomfortable YouTube video starring Howard Schultz, the chairman and CEO of Starbucks, and a bunch of clueless 19 year old baristas "Starbucks Partners." The group sits at a table covered with the new ads, and spouts a pile of "Brand Language 101" tripe. It's an embarrassing waste of money. Also? The ads are ugly, dumb, and boring.

This campaign cost millions and natters on about values. You know what I value, and what other eco-conscious people (i.e. most of the world) value? Environmental responsibility. Leadership. Corporations putting their money to work where it can do some good.

I'm willing to believe they have good intentions. In fact, Starbucks does some things well, like giving benefits to part-time employees. On the other hand, their green record is terrible.

As incomprehensible as it sounds, many Starbucks stores don't have recycling! And I've written many times that they need to do something about the 2.3 billion non-recyclable hot cups that go from Starbucks stores to landfill every year.

Peets has had compostable cups since 2007, but Starbucks says they can't put a recyclable cup in the hands of their customers until 2015. That is outrageous! With their buying power -- if they wanted to -- Starbucks could have a compostable cup in stores this year.

Starbucks can get away with running a braggy campaign about how much "heart" they pour into every (Earth-killing) cup as soon as they use their heft to become leaders in sustainable "to go" innovation. Until then, their coffee is too expensive, their cups suck, and their ad campaign is a shitty pile of marketing lies.

And yes, since he mentioned it, I'll be delighted to email, blog, twitter and share my low opinion of them to everyone I know. Good idea Mr. Schultz!

The Blue Angels: Patriotic or Idiotic?

Video: Top Gun, A Manly Love Story

It's that time of year again in San Francisco. Warm, sunny days. Gorgeous, azure-blue, cloud-free skies. And the ear-splitting blast of killer planes buzzing office buildings and city homes.

Cripes! We're at war. Gas prices are at an all time high. Every time Iceman and Goose fly by, I imagine them punching yet another hole in the atmosphere, melting the ice caps and killing a polar bear. Is this annual martial display really necessary?

Each year I complain about the waste and environmental toll, and each year Chief strongly disagrees with me, reminding me that it's a) "fucking cool" and b) the biggest recruiting tool in the armed forces' arsenal.

As a marketing professional, I question the efficacy of the acquisition tactic. Does making pets cower and babies on the street cry, while you burn liquid gold and further pollute our skies, the magic ticket to make guys (and gals) want to serve our country?

Don't answer. Let's assume, for the sake of my pinko-greeno-liberal sanity that, "No, it doesn't work."

In that case, I have a recommendation for an alternative approach: a cost-effective, targeted, direct mail campaign!

Sarah Palin's Debate Decision Matirx

Thanks to our brilliant friend Suzie for forwarding Aden Nak's BRILLIANT illustration of the decision tree Sarah Palin used during the debate last night.

Did you feel like she avoided questions? Resorted to winking and false folksisms? You were not imagining things! It was all too true, and in fact, planned:

Thank you Aden, for illustrating it so much more clearly than the candidate was able to do herself. Wink!

Let's Critique Dudes' Asses, For A Freaking Change

   

Granted, I played my part in the whole "Is Carly Pregnant?" rumor mill. Mea culpa.

But in retrospect, I find it irritating in the extreme that the internets got overheated gossiping about  Carly's weight, and no one has said one word about doughy David Cook's bowl of oatmeal appearance.

Look at her! She is adorable. Look at him! Really, look at that picture.

Those sloppy, fat chins! All the shiny spots and weird wrinkles! His totally receding hairline!

Damn You, Springtime!

It's that time of year again. Allergies.

At first you think, "Oh, yay! The rain is gone! It's such a nice day, look at the light dancing on the flowers!  Let's giggle! Let's gambol!"

Then your nasal membranes become inflamed and mucus-filled. The pounding pain begins behind your nose. The inside top of your throat balloons. You wake, but are unable to open crud-encrusted eyes. You suffer.

The worst part is that magic, magic, wonderful Benadryl is slightly less effective now. Why? Because they changed the formulation so you can't make crystal meth with it anymore. It still takes down most of the intra-cranial swelling, but you only get half as high.

Sunshine and flowers. Yet another reason to hate meth-heads.

Phlem Plague 2008

I realize, being the flaky and less productive of the WC posters, that my recent "Drop Off the Face of the Earth" would only have been interpreted as, "Oh, she's snowboarding." I also realize that my ability to live on chips, washing my hair with pert, and the fact that I own less than ten pairs of shoes MAY eliminate me from most of the life-enhancing fashion and food tips that you have grown to love.

Sadly, I have been victim of what people kindly call the flu, but when 18 of the 22 people in your group have it, it feels like the Plague. But if you really want to know how I feel - click the image for my favorite sony by MC Chris.

PS. I apologize to CityMama for the sins of animation that this video may contain. MC Chris is from that unholy of animation affiliation - Adult Swim

Why You Should Reject $11 Blueberries (Even if You Can Afford Them)

Today I made soup for lunch. The fixins were mostly organic: red lentils, chicken broth, thyme, onion and cumin. The grocery bill was $17, a fair deal for two to three meals.

Scanning the market aisles, I saw a lot that didn't fall into the bargain category. And when I passed the scene above, my cart screeched to a halt: $11 blueberries. I checked, and they were not dipped in gold, or the sweat of Christian Bale.

Grease the Lens with Vaseline

I don't know why I am incapable of defending myself, but when I see other people trampled by life it's as if the camera is pointed in my direction and I've memorized my lines and cues.

Today was an awful day. Someone was mean. How did I react? I got upset, my eyes welled with tears, I was like "Mommy! Help!"

Then I went to a foreign language bookstore, hoping that browsing at strange magazines would cure what ails me. There were three clerks in the store, two in their 30's and one in his 50's, and one fellow shopper who was obviously a woman of little means.

She asked the older clerk a question. I think it was "What does this cost?"

"Oh, sweetie, that's not for you," he responded, loudly. "Maybe you should go to a bookstore where you can afford things, and understand them. We don't have any postcards here. That seems more like your speed, sweetie. Sweetie?"

She missed the last "sweetie," because she had flown out the door.

I walked up to the man with the pile of books I intended to purchase.

"Excuse me?" I said. "I hope you are embarrassed by that performance. I know I am. And I'm not sure exactly how to translate 'tiny dick complex' into French, but I'm sure your friends over there can help you."

Then I dropped my stack of books onto the floor and walked out. I heard the two younger guys laughing as the door closed. And yet why can't I do that for me?

On No, It's Going To Get Worse Before It Gets Better

Despite what you think, what you may have experienced, how you feel, there is more crappiness waiting for us. Just around the corner.

Researchers in Cardiff, Wales, discovered in 2006 that Monday of the final week of January is officially the Most Depressing Day of the Year. I believe them. Those folk who live in the UK know a thing or five million about gray, dismal depression. Plus they used math to figure it out.

Doing the math for us, that means January 28th will be even worse than the shittiest day you've already had in 2008.

Christ on a stick. How will we bear it? As Colleen so eloquently put it, we're already all under our beds, crying.

Last year volunteers handed out tea in Victoria Station. Short of going to England, where the exchange rate alone is enough to make you suicidal, here's my advice:

• Update your earthquake preparedness kit
• Binge on chocolate (no duh)
• Might as well keep boozing
• Go to expensive dinners with friends, while we're indulging
• Most importantly: invest in bunny slippers

Direct TV: Sneaky, Dirty, Lying Thieves!

Direct TV strikes again! This time they robbed me, but I'm not going to take it lying down.

Like many people, we use electronic bills whenever we can, and pay bills online. Good for the environment, but the downside is that you rarely click through to examine the detail. After all, what kind of surprises could there be on a cable bill, right?

Direct TV has been such a pain that I finally asked them to send me a paper copy of my bill to make sure they weren't charging me for all of the broken receivers they sent me. And good thing I did! Imagine my surprise when I saw that they have been charging us for Sunday Ticket for the past FIVE months!

(For those of you without a football fan in the house, Sunday Ticket is a special subscription to receive every freaking football game in the country, every weekend for the whole darn season.)

I was surprised to see it on our bill because Chief decided this year that he didn't want Sunday Ticket. So he didn't sign up for it.

Ha! Nice try! Because the cabal at Direct TV doesn't wait for you to sign up. They automatically renew your subscription each year. To the tune of $300, payable in five easy-to-miss installments.

How convenient. For them.

Apparently they start billing for the automatic renewal in July and give you one month to opt out. If you notice. And once the season starts, you are shit out of luck. You can cancel the rest of the season, but you can't get a refund.

I called and very nicely explained that we're excellent customers, and neither ordered, nor want, Sunday Ticket. They very nicely explained, "Too bad."

Yeah, too bad. For them. Because I know a thing or two about Investor Relations.