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Pornaments - Sexy Decorations Too Hot For AOL

I write for several AOL Living sites, including the holidaylicious Holidash. Go check out my Season of Schwag -- 25 days of outrageously awesome giveaways.

While you're there, you can also read the post I wrote about Sarah Palin hosting an open house at the Alaskan Governor's Mansion. That one really upset the conservatives. Over 200 comments (and counting) declaring that I am evil, a bad writer and deserving of punishments that I have to believe Jesus would not endorse.

Sadly, you won't see my post about decorating your tree with sexy Pornaments. It was declared too mature for the audience, and had to come down.

Maybe it was too racy for AOL, but it's too funny to leave unpublished. I mean, imagine if Rankin Bass ever did a Christmas Porno: Santa Claus is Cumming...All Over Frosty!

Obviously a snowman getting a blow snow job is NSFW, ditto priapic elves, boobilicious wreaths and doggy-style gingerbread. Enjoy!

How Mariah, Madonna, Gwyneth, Janet, et al Lost 20 lbs.

They never eat.

THE END.

Ivana Trump Had the Euro-Trashiest Wedding Ever.

Last weekend Ivana Trump -- the original Mrs. The Donald Trump -- got married for the fourth time.

First, let's applaud this woman. She's a Gabor sister for a new millennium. She's got the hair, the accent, the wardrobe straight out of Dynasty. She admits to being 59, but who knows how old she really is? And her new husband, whom she kept in gold hunter quarantine dated for 6 years is only 35. Good for her!

Now that the sisterhood crap is out of the way, let's get to the dirt.

The Prius Conundrum

Chief and I drive a Prius. Yes, we are white people.

It's no drag racer, with its little hamster powered electric engine. But it's comfortable and has cup holders (unlike our past two German cars.) It's practical for driving around the City, where you don't ever need to go more than 40 mph. Plus we like the magic technology that makes it better for the environment than driving some big SUV or as Chief puts it, "Another Fucking Dodge Planet."

Sadly, the magic technology means that the battery goes dead if you don't drive it enough. In our experience, based on the car dying five times in the past two months, enough must be defined as "daily."

You read that right. Our environmentally friendly car must be taken out and exercised, like a Great Dane that lives in a studio apartment, every single day.

There is a terrible irony there. Sadly I don't have time to expound upon it because the guy is here to jump start the car, and then we have to drive around until the battery is charged up. Again.

I Figured Out Why Matt Gonzalez Is Running For VP With Ralph Nader

Ralph Nader is a Sith Lord and lured Matt to his certain self-destruction with the tempting power of the dark side of The Green. This is exactly as the brilliant George Lucas prophesied in Star Wars III, Revenge of the Sith.

Oh, you want more evidence?

Spotted: Best Buy in Dallas

Hey kiddos, just the thing to pick up before you go to those Christian raves!
(Yes, this was at the BEST BUY in Dallas.) At 25 cents a pop, I'm not sure it was a best buy.
Does Jesus do Disco? Nevermind. The images are just too much!

Colin Farrell, Potential Savior

The Oscars were sort of a yawn this year. Thank God for Colin Farrell. And I maybe mean that literally.

When Ryan Seacrest asked Colin what he'd do if he wasn't an actor, it was almost as good as when Marty DiBergi asked Nigel Tufnel the same question.

Colin looked shocked for a minute (Shit! Unscripted question! Must use brain to formulate answer!) then his Irish blarney kicked in and everything was fine. With a look of disarming earnestness he said, "Something with me hands, like a carpenter."

He didn't finish the thought, but we all did at home: Just like Jaysus Christ!

That explains a lot about the hair and the beard.

Wait, Diablo Cody Was A *Stripper*

A stripper, people. As in dancing on a stage, around a pole, in white patent leather or clear plastic, five-inch platforms.

Stuart Weitzman drama aside, you're telling me she couldn't rummage through her closet and pull out something with a little height that matched her leopard skin negligee? They're called STRIPPER HEELS, for Pete's sake.

Diablo, if ever there was a night to show off your "runway" walking skills (and not look stumpy) this was it.

BLT, Fries...and a Side of Antisemitism

So a question to the universe: what do you say when someone with whom you interact voices an opinion you find repugnant? Not your family, not your friends, but an acquaintance, maybe in a commercial transaction?

To me it's happened twice in recent weeks.

Here's Why Us Weekly is So Worth the Price of Home Delivery

This is the first photo caption in the print edition cover story about Brad Renfro's death:

"Believe me, me and Mama are going to miss the crap out of him," Renfro's half sister Haley, 14, tells Us (in a statement via pal Samantha Pearson.)

I have nothing to add.

Wait! Yes I do. At usmagazine.com you can also read the "story" behind this brilliantly passive aggressive quote from Jon Voight, regarding Angelina's rumored pregnancy:

"It’s wonderful news that she’s having another child, if that’s true."

Because, you know, they're estranged so he doesn't have any news but he's totally willing to use any excuse to get a little free press bury the hatchet. If only Angie would let him in.

Okay, now I'm done.