wishbone clover

I Love My Jawbone Because it Makes Steve McGarrett My Boyfriend

Last December a PR firm offered me a Jawbone headset. I said "Sure," and then made Chief "pick" the style, because I was positive he would want to use it to talk to me when he's driving home from work. 

It arrived, and he ignored it for eleven months.

Then one night we were watching my new second-favorite show, Hawaii 5-0*, and both noticed that Intelligence Officer Cathy a.k.a. Steve McGarrett's badass brunette girlfriend, was wearing the same one.

Me: See? Cool Navy chick is wearing that headset. It's cool.

Chief silently cocks an eyebrow at me

Me: You're never going to use that headset, are you?

Chief continues to look at me sceptically

Me: Fine. I'll use it, and be Officer Cathy, and get to have hot sex on the beach with McGarrett and his awesome cargo pants.

It took me another two weeks to finally charge up the damn thing, and then use it. But now I love it! And not just because when I wear it I get to have exchanges like:

Me: Does my headset make you want to "McGarrett" me?

Chief: No, it makes you want to get "McGarretted."

Me: Tomato-tomahto, just use an Aussie accent when you call me Cathy.

and

Me: Oh, I have to take this call, it might be McGarret asking me to re-route a top secret satellite to help capture an escaped prisoner.

Chief: That's a waste of time. It's an island. There's nowhere for a prisoner to escape to.

In addition to Alex O'Loughlin's evocative characterization of McGarrett, we're thoroughly enjoying the new Hawaii 5-0. The characters are (surprisingly) awesome and loveable, given the sophomoric level of the scriptwriting. We even, briefly, wondered if the local high school kids were literally writing the scripts, but then decided that was a mean thing to say about the nice students.

To summarize:

The Jawbone Icon headset? Works great, plus McGarrett's girlfriend uses it, or something like it.

We totally approve of the new Hawaii 5-0: Daniel Dae Kim = total eye-candy, Scott "Hawaii 5-2" (in reference to his height, credit to Chief) Caan is hilarious, and Grace Park is a refreshingly cute and real woman on TV -- she could totally be the younger sister of one of my friends.

And Alex O'Loughlin is rapidly edging out Nathan Fillion as my favorite Monday night crime solver. He can call me Cathy anytime, with or without his Aussie accent.

*Castle, starring Nathan Fillion, is my current favorite detective show on Monday nights, but Alex is of the Hugh Jackman "leggy-yet-burly Australian" mold of physical perfection. Nate? Well, lately his Man Weight Threshold has crossed into what I sincerely hope is a temporary visit to "Happy in a New Relationship Husky-ville." Let's just say Captain Tight Pants probably didn't squeeze into his Firefly uniform this Halloween.

Robert Downey Jr. and the Case of the Raunchy Detective

"Leave it to Robert Downey Jr. to turn Sherlock Holmes into a wisecracking action hero who ends up handcuffed naked to a bed."

AT LAST! A Guy Richie movie someone will want to see besides Guy Richie. Tickets, please!

I Will Buy A Ticket To See Rahm Emanuel Kick Samberg's Ass

Forget Mark Walberg, let's see Rahm Emanuel on SNL reacting to Andy Samberg's smart ass impression. I bet he'd be the best cameo ever. You know, he has a lot of stage training, from his ballet time. He could kick Palin's ass, literally and figuratively.

Like my buddy From SF, I have a little shame crush on Rahm-bo. There's something about a cussing ballet dude that just works, you know? It's something about the calf muscles. Not to mention his mangled finger. His middle finger. Deep sigh.

If he wore an eye patch I would leave Chief and forsake Christian Bale.

Val Kilmer for President in 2016

"Good morning, New York Post home subscriptions, how may I help you?"

"Babe. It's Val."

"Excuse me? This is the New York Post?"

"Shit. I told the operator "New Mexico" Post. Alright, it doesn't matter. It can't wait until I'm back from Bulgaria. Tell them I'm in for this governor trip. Yes! It's all going just like me and Bill R. planned during that last smudge ceremony in Taos."

"Sir, this is the subscription desk. May I transfer your call?"

"Wha? Jezzushhhhh. Fine, let me talk to my old gal Cindy A. She still owes me for that night in 1981. I was a boy, and she made me a man. A man with memories."

Silence, then, "Please hold."

*******

For a minute there, I was scared that we wouldn't have anything to talk about now that the election is over. The good guy won and that stone cold bitch is back in the Hinterland where she belongs. End of story.

Sure, we can look forward to the (nine-fingered) iron fist of Rahm Emanuel, which I suspect will provide hours of entertainment.

But that's a sophisticated chuckle over name brand liquor, not the fervent, emotional hoots and hysterical tears cried into pitchers of beer, not the emotional roller coaster we got addicted to over the past few months. That kind of excitement is over.

Or so I thought...

It never occurred to me that Julliard drama school graduate, coke whore lover and all around genius Val Kilmer was waiting in the wings be the next candidate of our heart.

Mr. Kilmer is legend in my home for his star turn in The Doors. You really haven't lived until you've endured enjoyed Chief and his brother The Artistic One doing dueling impressions of:

• Val-Jim on hallucinogens in the desert!
• Val-Jim slurs the lyrics to every Doors song!
• Val-Jim ruins Thanksgiving! (Sometimes I help by playing the Meg Ryan part: "Jim Morrison, you have ruined Thanksgiving for the last time! Mime throwing mashed potatoes. Thwack!)

As if that performance wasn't enough to make you love him, let's not forget Val's work in Top (Gay as Tim) Gun, Willow and The Island of Doctor Moreau, where he went bite for bite with scenery chewer Marlon Brando.

Plus, he's the voice of KITT. Yes, the sarcastic car from Knight Rider. What can't Val do?

Yesterday, just in time to rescue me from boredom and depression, Val confirmed, via a cell phone call from Bulgaria, that he is "mulling over" a run for Governor of New Mexico when Bill Richardson receives his appointment to some role (maybe Secretary of State?) in the Obama Administration.

Before you laugh, why the hell not? Val has lived in New Mexico for 25 years. He knows how to work a popularity contest in the media. He certainly can't chase more skirts than Bill Richardson. Plus, he needs to start somewhere, and soon, if he's going to be a credible candidate in 2016 after eight glorious years of President Obama.

Say hello to Governor Iceman! Suck it Tom Cruise!

Ten Minute Shame Crush: Bear Grylls

For almost a whole episode of Man vs. Wild, on the way cool Discovery Channel, I had a crush on Bear Grylls.

Part of it was his name. Come on! Grylls? Now imagine saying it with an English accent: Ghreellz.  I know. It's even better. Bear is, quite naturally, a nickname for Edward Michael. Those crazy Brits are so whimsical. He even named one of his sons Marmaduke. See? Whimsical.

Bear was in the British special forces and got trained to do all kinds of manly survival things like sleeping in snow caves and eating sheep eyeballs to stay hydrated. Now he shows the rest of us how to do these things on his TV show.