wishbone clover

There Are Some Things You Need To Finish *Before* You Get On The Bus. Really.

I've come to terms with cell phones on the bus. Loud personal conversations. Make out sessions, public drinking. Even the application of a full face of makeup, although it is far too personal and indicates a slovenly character. Live and let live, and I'll just judge you with silent, withering scorn and hateful glances.

However, I must speak out about a behavior I witnessed last Wednesday, at 8 a.m., on the way to work.

An otherwise professional looking twenty-something white woman pulled a bottle out of her Coach tote and applied lotion to her legs. All the way up. As in, if we were pricing a half-leg vs. full-leg waxing, this would be the more expensive one.

I'm talking two full palms of Lubriderm, rubbed into calves, knees and thighs. Yes, thighs. Up and over the knees.

What the hell is wrong with this woman? Doesn't she have any sense of privacy? Not to mention, as my friend Baby pointed out, the next person who sits on that seat will get a nasty, greasy surprise on their pants. That stuff stains.

The world is so far gone past not wearing white after Labor Day. I don't even know what to say, except, "Stop doing that! Please!"

Heather Mills, That Filthy Whore, Winning The Crazy Bitch Showdown With Britney

Thank you, Heather. You make this so easy.

I'm on record all over the place (like here, and here, and oh yeah, here) that I despise that money-grubbing, trashy, lunatic, filthy whore, Heather Mills. I abstained from commenting on her latest round of cuckooness only because the part of my brain I use for celebrity snarking has been busy 24/7 hating Britney's VHWT: Visible Homemade Weave Tracks.

Until today. Today Heather grabbed my attention by the balls (her favorite grip, she uses it on everyone) by issuing a real challenge for Britney's Crazy Crown. And let me tell you, Heather really got a leg up on the competition. Mwhahahahahahah!

Weird Nightmare No. 43

OK. I'll admit it, I had a gin and tonic and ate meat last night.
Short ribs for pete's sake. Not usual behavior for me, at all.

Anyway, I wake up this morning, laughing because I had an extended nightmare that Paris Hilton had become the dictator of LA. Seriously, it gets worse.

In my nightmare, she takes over San Francisco and creates the following:
- VIP cars (you know the center ones) on the BART for anyone with a BMI under 18
- The Velvet Rope policy*
- At any given time, you must be wearing some form of gold accessory
- Backpacks and messenger bags are outlawed
- A weird variation of Logan's Run is instituted where, you have to leave California when you reach the age - what was it 30?
- Anyone with a dog over 14 pounds would be subject to a luxury tax for large dogs

No more gin. Ever.

* The Velvet Rope policy was a government act that dictated that all places of commerce have a velvet rope. For example, coffee shops, sandwich places, nail salons. At this point in time, if you were "velvet rope material" you could pass the line for life's little necessities and go to the front.

Who Does This? Possibly Only Me.

Tuesday morning the alarm on my cell phone buzzed. I smacked it off, lumbered out of bed and hit the shower.

Ten minutes later I was standing in my closet, picking out the day's skirt and sweater set, when I noticed several odd phenomena:

• My next door neighbor, who is never awake before me, was watching tv
• My upstairs neighbor, who wakes up five minutes before me, was silent
• It was awfully dark out

What time was it? Had I set my phone alarm for the wrong time?

Analytics are Fun!

Through fancy data-gathering programs like Google Analytics, we get to see the keyword searches people use to land on our blog.

The top Google search that'll get you here is "Jen secret love nest." Apparently lots of people got the same call as cat. Search for "burned hair" on Google, and this post is the fifth hit.

Some of the search strings are pretty incomprehensible, like:

• clover mascot for japan bank
• the clover's food
• tramp driver and responsibliity

Some people are meant to be here. For the folks who searched for the following: welcome home!

• Bespoke stationery and San Francisco
• Dolly Parton Halloween costume
• wishbone menu cards (tell us if you find some!)
• "I love underwear"
• "john mayer is a tool"
• "adam levine" + herpes
• old timey square patent leather look handbag

And some of you should continue on your way. It's unlikely we can provide much help for the people who searched for:

• oral rape
• day rape
• gay wc
• Tia Carrere

Good luck with that!

A Day Like Oral Rape

Yesterday I went to the dentist for a deep, under-the-gums cleaning. It was hideous.

Everyone, believe your dentist when he or she tells you to floss.

This procedure required six -- yes, SIX -- shots of Novocaine to numb the right side of my mouth. My dentist worked really fast, but everything about having your gums probed and scraped is negative and induces whimpers.

I walked out of the office hunched over, sweaty and hollow eyed. My face was so numb I couldn't make the straw work in my iced tea. I wasn't right for hours.

The worst part: I'm going back to do the other side of my mouth next week.

The silver lining: this time I'm paying the extra $100 for laughing gas.

The moral: I'm going to floss right now.

Phobia: Knitters that Twitter

As a hiring manager of creatives, I can claim this phobia. We all know the kind - super cool, super hip. Has a blog about crafting and has a million myspace friends. I have a dear friend that got "down" on me for making assumptions. Give the gal a chance. Well, the sad fact friends is that the only thing that can make this into a haiku moment is the fact that, well when all was said and done (deposit, a month of working) it turns out on the day the project was due she turned out to be a quitter!

Mothers Use Internets

I received some flowers from you today that are beautiful, vibrant colors. Thank you very much, my #2 daughter. 

 

Uncle Jim will be joining us for dinner.  Of course, he will not be eating the cockaroach of the sea. He will be eating the manly red beef.

 

Love, Mom

Inscrutable Correspondence from Mom

"Colleen,

Remember the lady we watched two years ago on TV? She's on the Today show right now. Check it out.

Mom"